


Down for the Count

by ohjustdisarmalready



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Mild Blood, did a hit on taako
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 08:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13877115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohjustdisarmalready/pseuds/ohjustdisarmalready
Summary: It happened, like every awful thing, in an instant.Taako takes a fall.





	Down for the Count

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [dominate person](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13721658) by [daniadaniadania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daniadaniadania/pseuds/daniadaniadania). 



> When someone is referred to as having a 'third hand,' I am talking about Mage Hand. It's not something dirty, ya nasties.

It happened, like every awful thing, in an instant.

Magnus cut down one of the warlocks and Merle summoned an angel to take care of some others, shouting to draw them by. Magnus dashed behind divine safety and a bolt of sick yellow light just barely missed him.

Just barely missed him, grazing by his armor, shining off of it, and hurtling right into Taako.

Taako looked at the glowing bolt that hovered in his chest. He looked up at Magnus, confused. Like, for a second, he couldn’t understand why his protection fighter—his best friend—had allowed him to get hurt.

And he stumbled backwards.

And he fell.

Immediately, Magnus sprinted after him, though he wasn’t as fast as the bolt of red like a dropped paintbrush that streaked over the edge of the pit. It was only by the vague glow of a floating red robe that he could see Taako falling, half-curled in on himself and not even trying to stop it, before he fell out of sight. Gone.

There was a distant gout of flame, barely visible from the top of the cliff. It was too far to jump, and they only had a hundred feet of rope between the two (survivors?) remaining party members. Did the caves lead down? Did Merle know featherfall? Why hadn’t Taako cast that? He definitely could, it was in his staff. Why hadn’t Taako slowed his fall?

Merle’s presence filtered in next to Magnus.

“That’s a long way down,” he observed. Magnus nodded.

There was another bright fire at the bottom, and Magnus tried to measure the distance. Maybe two hundred feet? Maybe more? Not more than five hundred.

“Let’s get going. We need to find a way down there and my stone sense isn’t so good,” Merle said. Magnus stared.

“But he—we need to get Taako. He fell,” he said. “He fell and he didn’t cast featherfall. He could be hurt.”

He fell at least two hundred feet and was followed by a lich representing their enemy. Some stupid part of Magnus’s brain that didn’t know Taako at all, clearly, that didn’t know that he couldn’t die here because _this was their story dammit_ , was telling him that those facts were important. But they weren’t. He wouldn’t let them be.

“Which is why we gotta get down there, yeah?” Merle asked. Magnus made no move to leave the side of the sinkhole.

“Look,” Merle tried, standing beside him. “There was a fire down there, right? Just now?”

Magnus nodded.

“And that lich followed him down. Give him a six-second head start and that means it couldn’t have reached him too quick,” he continued. Magnus didn’t see how any of this was relevant.

“So that fire couldn’t have been while he was falling, yeah? It must be after he—you know. So there must have been something to set fire _to_. No reason for it to attack if he’s already kicked it. So there was something active enough that the Red Robe attacked it. And if Taako’s fine enough to get attacked, he’s gonna attack back. He’s not gonna let a stupid lich beat him,” Merle put his hand on Magnus’s shoulder. They were of a height, for once, while Magnus kneeled and leaned as far as he dared over the edge. The cave formed a natural stone bridge, and it had seemed like a good idea to have Taako farther back on it, so no one could reach him without going through Magnus first. It had seemed like good strategy.

He’d looked so confused.

“Look, Magnus, we’re not getting him back if you don’t leave this room,” Merle said.

Well. True enough.

“How do we get down there?” Magnus asked, finally hauling himself back to his feet. A couple of warlocks’ corpses lay next to each other where Della Reese had been, and one more was lightly smoking back a ways. They didn’t seem to have any rope on them.

“Well, I figure, cave’s been sloping down so far, we’ll give it a whirl. If that don’t work, we’ll try something else. We’re getting down there,” Merle said. Yes. This was a plan Magnus could get behind.

At least it wasn’t a cave-in.

Magnus made sure to kick the smoldering corpse as he walked by.

* * *

Taako sees his brother look at him with big eyes and he’s glowing and he doesn’t understand and he’s falling and he’s—

Taako wakes up.

Taako wakes up and he is hurting and sore and aching and he tries to sit up but he can’t, it hurts, it hurts too much. He wants Magnus, to carry him, for Merle, to make it stop, or something else, too. He wants.

A cool embrace, a bright smile.

An eager, chirping voice, from a body small enough to pick up and carry.

Fire swirling comfortingly around him, rough fabric under his fingertips, the sound of pages turning, a voice from below that knows what to do. He wants it to stop hurting.

He hears his brother’s voice and he opens his eyes, and there he is, his brother has come for him! He heard that something was wrong and he came! He reaches out to the bright-red-glowing form and another comes into view, and he knows, somehow, he knows that this is also family. His sister, he decides.

They’re making all kinds of noise. Wasn’t he fighting? Wasn’t he in danger?

He paws at the robe in front of him, making a heartbroken noise when his fingers go right through. He wants his brother and his sister. It’s very cruel of them to hover in front of him like this.

They’re talking more. His sister is looking at him, and then away, around, deeper into the cave. She will watch his back.

His brother is waving his hands, and another one appears, his brother’s third hand, and Taako thinks that that’s maybe wrong but he doesn’t feel bad about it so it’s okay. His brother’s third hand curls around his shoulder and pushes, so he sits up.

It hurts. It hurts so much. His whole body hurts. What’s whimpering? It hurts, it hurts so much, he wants his sister he wants his brother and his brother and his boy and his man and his family.

His sister is back, and she soothes him. Her third hand comes to tuck his hair behind his ear and she flicks the ends of it. Her skull grins at him and she speaks to him and she helps him to his feet, and he leans on her hand until he falls through it and hits the floor.

He is on the floor again, and he still hurts. He calls for his brother who stops him from getting hurt, his brother who carries him, his brother with only two hands but who is very good at those two hands.

His brother with three hands hisses a breath in and speaks with his sister. She speaks back and their third hands push him upwards again, tug at his shirt and push at his shoulder. He climbs all the way back to his feet and leans on them, but they push him to a wall and he leans on that instead.

He reaches his hand through his sister again. He wants his sister. She’s so close and he can’t touch her and it’s not fair.

She turns to him and her third hand gently brushes his hair aside, bends his head in all directions, and he tries to go with it but as soon as he’s gone all in one direction she’s pushing it in another and she won’t let him be still for a second. She touches a bump on the back of his head and he hisses, batting her third hand away. She can just leave if she’s gonna hurt him worse.

She talks some more as he walks along the wall. It’s a rough wall, but he’s gonna fall if he doesn’t lean on something, probably.

It hurts.

His brother, the one that is not Magnus, the red one, appears in front of him and holds his first two hands out, and Taako stops walking. Is his red brother gonna help him or poke at his head?

His red brother is talking to him a whole lot. He sounds upset. He’s saying Taako’s name a bunch?

He’s kind of glowy.

He’s making more red glowies, and they’re jumping out of him and snapping and falling to the floor, except they never quite seem to make it to the floor, just like his red brother’s feet never seem to touch the floor.

Does his red brother…have feet?

Taako tips off the wall and lands on the floor to investigate.

His red brother has no feet. None of them. He’s not even touching the floor—or, he wasn’t, now he’s touching the floor and putting his hands right through Taako, and Taako bats through them to make him stop that. His sister hovers. She doesn’t have any feet, either.

Two siblings and no feet between them. It’s a problem if Taako’s ever seen one.

Can they borrow his? Having two of them, it just seems greedy now. His brother and sister are very clever and could use those feet. He looks more closely at them (the feet).

They’re wearing shoes, and leggings. Should he take those off?

His red brother is looking at his feet now, too, prodding them with his third hand. He keeps talking and saying Taako’s name.

Taako goes for his shortsword and his red brother holds his first two hands up and disappears his third.

That’s funny. He can disappear his hand. Taako can’t do that. Is that what happened to his legs?

Just in case, Taako holds on to his sister’s third hand. His red siblings need to stop disappearing, even if they’re mean and poke his head.

He looks at the sword in his hands. What was he doing with this again?

He offers it to his red brother. His red brother hesitates.

He offers it to his red sister. Her hands go through it and she shakes her head from side to side. They’re both talking.

Well, that’s that. Taako puts away the shortsword and gets back up. His red siblings make sounds of alarm and his red brother’s third hand comes back, pressing on his shoulders and steadying him when he wobbles, but his red siblings are taking forever and he needs to get back to Magnus and Merle and, and he’s sure there are others but Magnus and Merle already seem like they were a long time ago and he’s very tired. He will find the others when it’s time.

His sister, the red one (does he have any others?), hovers in front of him. She’s taller than him right now and he wants her to stop that. She’s looking at him and talking and her first two hands are in his shoulders and her third is—gone? Why is she so bad at having hands and feet?

And then _she_ is gone and that’s, that’s bad, where _is_ she, he _needs_ her where is she he needs her where is she where is she where did she go—

A voice rings in his mind.

_Taako_. Something else he doesn’t understand. _Taako_.

He can hear her but he can’t hear her. He looks around for her but all he can find is his red brother. He tries to tug on his red brother. Where is she?

He misses her.

_Taako. Taako_ something. _Taako_.

That’s his name. He needs her.

_Lup_. Words and then _Lup, Taako_ something or other.

Lup. Lup, Lup, Lup. He needs her. He needs to find her where is she he _needs her_. He’s not supposed to not be able to find her he needs her he needs to find her. He can’t breathe he needs to find her there is shouting in his head and out of his head and he needs her he needs her where is she when he needs her!

His face is brought up and he sees her, his sister his Lup his life, she is back and she left him but she came back and he _missed_ her. He turns to his red brother to make sure he can see, too, and his red brother says something to his red sister and Taako doesn’t care because he _missed_ her. He loves her so much he could die.

She is fretting, but brings up her third hand when he bats through both of hers, and he holds it. She has to be with him if her hand is with him.

Actually.

He grabs his red brother’s hand, too.

He needs his red brother and his red sister and his not-red family and he isn’t ready to let them go yet.

“Magnus,” says his red brother, and, “Merle.”

Yes. His family. He needs to find them. There was…something. Something bad. He tugs on his red siblings’ hands.

They say a lot of irrelevant things, but they follow him. He looks back at where he was hurt and there’s an umbrella there and it makes him sad, but it’s broken and he needs to _go go go find Magnus and Merle find his people now_.

There are people ahead. He can hear them.

His red sister can hear them, too. Her hand disappears from him and he protests, waving his hand through her. What if she disappears again? How will she know where to come back to?

Something bright and _awful_ flies by him and he flinches, and his red brother’s hand disappears, too. His siblings begin hurling bright balls of light and darkness and fire at the other people, and none of those people are his family so why are they here? He doesn’t want anyone but his family. They’re trying to hurt his family.

Taako walks up to one and clocks them right in the mouth.

They weren’t expecting that. They go right down and Taako goes down with them. He won’t let them hurt his disappearing sister and he won’t let them hurt his red brother.

Lup says something, loudly, but he is busy right now. He glances over to see she’s not in danger and turns back to the person he is sitting on.

He hits them again. It kind of hurts. It looks like it hurts them more, though.

His sister sets them on fire and he pouts. She’s stealing his thunder. He was gonna punch a guy.

She sets someone else on fire, too, and with a shout the last person who isn’t his family falls down. They don’t try to hurt his family again, so Taako stands up and keeps going. He needs to find Magnus and Merle.

He kicks them as he goes by. Just in case. So they know.

His red sister and his red brother are very upset about something. They speak in low, tense voices, and his red brother yelps and appears in front of him, hands out. Why does he want to go so _slowly_?

“Magnus,” Taako reminds him.

There’s a whole new flurry of words, which peter out to Taako’s unimpressed stare. But his red brother says something about Magnus, and something about Lup, and then Lup starts arguing with him and Taako walks through them. They’re so _slow_.

His brother appears again and Taako walks through him again. His red siblings are not going to keep going on their own, clearly. He needs to lead them to Magnus and Merle, and Magnus and Merle will lead them to…somewhere. He needs to find them. He needs to find Magnus and Merle.

His red sister goes up through the ceiling. Taako reaches for her.

“Lup,” says his red brother, “Magnus,” and then “Merle.”

Yes, these are the people they need to find. Taako looks around but he can’t find his red sister and he needs her.

His red brother huffs and holds his first two hands out and Taako sees her! He sees her but she’s so small! He reaches for her but his hand disappears completely, and he yanks it away.

It comes back.

He reaches for her again.

It disappears, and then his red brother sighs and it flickers into view. His sister goes right through it, though.

“Taako.”

He looks at his red brother.

“Lup. Magnus. Merle.”

His tiny sister is surrounded by his red brother and another elf, a very pretty elf who stands between his brother and his sister. He frowns.

No one is supposed to stand between his brother and his sister. Certainly not a _stranger_. He swipes his hand through the elf.

Obligingly, the elf disappears. He wishes it had smooshed. That would have been very satisfying.

“Taako.”

He looks at his red brother. His red brother points at his tiny sister and his tiny red brother. His tiny sister _leaves_ his tiny red brother, and it’s _terrible_. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. He tries to catch her in his hand to make her go back but she _won’t_.

He doesn’t like this tiny world.

His red brother says something frantic and waves his hand and Magnus and Merle are there! He’s found them! They’re tiny but he’s found them! And the tiny Lup goes to them!

The tiny Lup had the right idea. He tries to scoop his tiny red brother towards the rest of them. He will put them in his pocket and they can all leave.

His tiny red brother won’t go, because his tiny red brother is _stupid_. He tries to point to his family but his tiny red brother just waits where he is while the tiny Lup and Magnus and Merle begin walking.

But then the _best_ thing happens. Tiny Lup and Magnus and Merle walk _towards_ his tiny red brother, and they _find_ him and they all hug each other and it’s perfect. Taako wants this. Yes.

His normal-sized red brother says something and they all disappear. Taako protests, waving his hand through where they’re supposed to be and looking for where they’ve gone. Where are they?

Taako’s red brother’s third hand tugs on his shoulder and his red brother’s second hand points at the ceiling.

Yes. His sister went through the ceiling.

How does he get through the ceiling?

He squints at it. It looks hard and rocky and very tall. His red brother could probably get to it but then he would leave Taako and Taako would be all alone. He cannot let his red brother find out about the ceiling.

He tugs on his red brother’s third hand. He can’t find out about the ceiling if he’s looking in front of him, if he’s moving. His red brother says something, and his name, and follows.

* * *

Merle had had to reapply light before they even got close to the bottom. They’d killed some more cultists, though. That kind of cheered Magnus up, actually.

These guys couldn’t have hurt Taako. _The_ Taako? No way. He was definitely waiting at the bottom of a pit bemoaning a lack of spell slots, and as soon as they got there he’d spring to his feet and say it took them ages, he was about to eat his own leg, just gnaw it right off, could you go any slower?

He’d be fine, was the point. And he’d laugh at Magnus when Magnus gave him a big hug and carried him out of the cave because apparently he can’t keep himself alive when he’s more than five feet away from the nearest source of damage absorption.

“Magnus? Merle? Come on, I know you didn’t leave without cha’boy! Swear it, if you fucking left I’m kicking your asses back to your stupid moon, this might be the fucking twilight zone but you can’t—” Taako! It’s Taako’s voice and he sounds off but it’s him! He’s okay!

“Taako!” Magnus calls, before Merle can stop him. Taako’s voice cuts off.

“We don’t know that’s him!” Merle hisses. “There’s—spells! That could be anyone!”

“Taako’s never used a voice spell before,” Magnus protested.

“That’s because he likes to do his voice acting on his own. He took lessons for it, you know,” said—the Red Robe? In Taako’s voice.

“Aw, fuck, you were right, it’s a trap,” Magnus said.

“Yeah, and who was all— ‘No, they’d never be lying to us about their voice, you don’t know any spells, you’re just the shitty cleric,’ _Magnus_? Was it me? Hmm?” Merle said, clutching his bible, and the Red Robe…giggled.

“Gotta side with the old man on this one, Maggie. And Taako calls _me_ trusting.” The Red Robe drifted closer and Magnus swung through…her? instinctively, but she just flounced in place. “Hey, not that you can’t trust me! We’re in, we’re in kind of a time crunch here though, Taako got hurt pretty bad before my beau got to ‘im. He’s gonna need whatever spell slots you’ve got left.”

She looked a bit somber, if a skull with only vague indications of a face could be said to look any particular way (except kind of scary). That was the best news Magnus had heard all day, though.

“He’s alive? He survived the fall? Where is he?” he demanded immediately. His hands flexed on Railsplitter and he looked down the hall, listening carefully. He didn’t hear any life nearby.

“He’s further down, I left him with Barry so I could get you. This place is a maze and we can’t wait for you to get past all the little dudes at your level. Follow me.” She floated further down the cave and Magnus was about to follow, but Merle tugged on his pants leg and stopped him.

“Wait,” he said. “I cast zone of truth!”

The apparition buried her head in her hands.

“Uh, does the truth…like, does it hurt you?” Magnus ventured, when she didn’t seem to be coming out of it. She shook her head, hands and all, before looking up and bursting into laughter.

“You have no idea how much I missed that stupid spell, old man,” she chuckled, leaning back and rolling on thin air. “Oh, oh man, that’s—that’s perfect. Yeah, go ahead, what do you need to know? We really do gotta hurry after that though, I don’t know how long Barry can keep Taako distracted before he runs into some more of those guys.”

“Who’s Barry?” Merle asked. She stopped laughing.

“He’s, he’s the guy who’s been following you around for like, forever? Ooky spooky voice and likes to think he’s scary?” She waves her hands as if to indicate another form, vaguely. “You guys never remember to ask for names. Shameful. I can’t be seen in public with you.”

“That’s another one, actually, wasn’t there just one Red Robe? And the dead one Taako got his umbrella from, I guess. Where did you come from?” Magnus asked. It seemed to him like they’d have noticed two liches following them around, especially since one of them has stolen Taako’s voice.

The lich shrugged. “I was in the umbrella. So yeah, I guess, still just the two of us for now.”

“For now,” Merle said, suspiciously.

“For now?” Magnus asked.

“For now.” The lich said.

“Well. I guess, uh, what’s—what’s your name, then? We can’t call you Barry and That Other Lich forever,” Magnus said, because really, there was nowhere else he could go with that.

“I’m Lup, babe. Your pleasure, I’m sure.” She held her hand out for a shake and Magnus put his through it and approximated.

“Magnus Burnsides. And that’s Merle. And I guess Taako’s been carrying you around.” His hand was getting cold, so he took it back and shook it a little. Chilly!

“Okay, great, glad we’ve all met each other for the very first time. Was there anything else or can we go?” she asked. “I really do wanna get there before Taako gets himself into any more trouble than he’s already in.”

“How bad off is he? I haven’t got the energy to get him up from nothing right now,” Merle said. “Also, how do we know you aren’t trying to lure us to our horrible, awful deaths?”

Lup shrugged. “I mean, I guess you don’t. If you weren’t gonna trust me you’d have done something by now, though. I can promise you—the zone’s still up, right?—I can promise I don’t want anything bad to happen to any of you. I really, actually just want Taako to get somewhere safe right now. We can deal with the rest later.”

It was a compelling argument. Magnus glanced at Merle. Merle shrugged.

“Well, I guess we’re good to go. Lead on, lich lady,” he said, beginning to totter down the hallway. Magnus brought up the rear, keeping a watchful eye out for anyone else in the cave.

There was a larger room at the end of the hall they were going down that was lit by torches, and Magnus readied Railsplitter and shushed Merle, but Lup shook her head.

“Don’t worry about more cultists. I killed everyone I found. Traps might be a thing, though, I’m not really…” she waved a hand through the wall, “…enough to set them off. I didn’t see anything?”

“You killed all those people?” Magnus asked, eyeing the piles of cloak on the ground. Some of them were still on fire. Others were frozen solid. He counted seven in total.

Lup gave the impression of a grin. Magnus instinctively went for his shield, crowding a little closer to Merle. It was the most lich-y expression he’d seen from either Red Robe, including when the other—Barry—had nearly fallen apart.

“They hurt Taako,” she said. “And I have a lot of pent-up anger from the last _decade_.”

Well, Magnus couldn’t say he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Maybe more axe-y than fire-y, but.

“Which way next?” He gestured to the darkness ahead. There looked to be three paths forward, and who knew how many offshoots from those. Might as well take guidance where it was offered.

“It’s this way,” Lup said, floating off to the right. There was a perfect circle scorched into the wall next to that entrance. “The other two are beds, and, uh…I mean, labs would be pretty generous. They’re pretty much not that.”

Which left literally any other kind of room in the world? But Magnus was pretty sure he was picking up what she was putting down.

“You cleared ‘em out?” he asked. She nodded.

“No survivors. I didn’t have time. Not that the poor saps in there were really alive anyway.” She seemed a little bummed out about it, which kind of made sense. Even liches had to be a little sad about innocent people dying to weird cultists.

“At least they won’t hurt anyone else,” said Magnus.

“Yeah,” Lup said. Merle patted through her robe.

She shook herself. “There’s a pretty steep slope after this, it comes on sudden. They’re not far now. We should be hearing them soon.”

Magnus strained his ears, but he didn’t hear much of anything. The water dripping from the roof of the cave was very distracting. He nearly tripped and fell down the slope, only to be caught by a glowing mage hand.

“Taako?” he asked, looking around, but Lup waved her hands and the spell disappeared.

“Close, but no cigar,” she said. “I left them in a cavern directly below this one, the path’s a little twisty, though. It’ll seem like we’re going in circles for a bit of it.”

Cool. Magnus was just, he was just loving this whole day. He wished they’d never come here.

Distantly, he could hear a voice, and Lup flew forward before stopping and glancing back at them.

Magnus kind of wanted to tell her they would make it on their own, except that that would be a lie. He could barely tell where the voice was coming from and the light spell could only brighten up the cave so much.

“Is Taako with that other guy? Barry?” he asked, just to make sure.

“Yeah, he is. Look, when you see him, don’t be startled, okay? He’s in rough shape. Just, come in one at a time, maybe. And if he looks spooked, don’t push it,” she warned. Just what kind of shape was Taako in?

“Did he hit his head? You shouldn’t have him walking before you can check for his spine. Did he seem confused?” Merle asked, in a startling show of medical competence. Actually—

“Since when do you know fantasy first aid, old man?” Magnus asked. Merle scowled at him.

“I am your healer, you know. Maybe next time you rush in I’ll be the one who’s good out here,” he threatened.

“Nope, sorry, forget I said anything,” Magnus held out his hands in a gesture that would be nonthreatening if he wasn’t still holding Railsplitter and his shield. He liked to think the message got across.

“He was bleeding, but he wouldn’t let me look at it. He’s not talking. I don’t know if he can understand me, but that might be a—a preexisting thing. Uh, balance. He kept falling over. He was, what else, he wasn’t casting spells? He just hit a guy in the face. And, he was pretty messed up from the fall. I don’t think blood loss but—but internal bleeding, I know, I didn’t think to check for it. Will he be okay?” Lup rattled off symptoms anxiously, hovering close to Merle, nearly overlapping. “He, he seemed to recognize me? Which is weird because he definitely shouldn’t, I’m pretty sure. Probably. He seemed alright with Barry.”

Magnus keeps half an eye on Merle’s face and the rest of his attention on their surroundings, but even he could see that that wasn’t great. Head wounds could be…really bad.

“Boy, you don’t know much about Taako, do you?” Merle asked. What?

“I—what does that have to do with anything?” Lup asked. “I know him better than anyone. What’s that got to do with his head wound?”

“He’ll be fine,” Merle said. “Don’t you worry about it, little lady. Just get us to him and he’ll be a-okay.”

The lich stared at him. Merle didn’t flinch. What was he playing at?

“That’s your he’s-gonna-die voice,” she said. “He—he got up. He’ll be fine. If you can get up, you’re fine.”

“Of course he is,” Merle soothed. “Absolutely. We just need to get him up to our people and he’ll be just fine.”

Magnus clutched Railsplitter and tried to believe it. The voice from down the cavern was getting louder. If he strained, he could almost make it out…

“Merle, shut up a sec, I hear something,” he hissed, holding out a hand.

“You shut up, I’m keeping this lich from killing our asses,” Merle hissed back. Lup made an affronted noise.

“—please don’t—okay I guess we’re going this way, yeah, that’s fine. Are you gonna let go of the mage hand yet? No? That’s okay, I guess, who needs corporeal body parts. Physical interaction with the world is for suckers.” The voice was definitely getting clearer. The other Red Robe? There was a pause as Magnus looked at Merle, who looked at Lup, who looked at the wall, which looked at nothing because it was a wall. Merle looked back at Magnus. Magnus looked at the wall.

“Whoa whoa okay, I’m still talking, yeah okay listen to me, I’m uh, I mean I’m not alive, please stop standing in me, that’s really uncomfortable. Hey, uh, Taako? You’re gonna be super embarrassed about this next year. I’m telling everyone you cried when I stopped holding your hand. Also, that you beat Fischer by getting too much head trauma—light…?” The other Red Robe sounded awfully familiar for someone who used a spooky fake voice most of the time. Where had he heard that voice before…?

“Barry, babe? You around?” Lup called, and Magnus was on the cusp of realization, but—

“Lup!” Taako’s voice came from the wall with a scrabbling sound and the other Red Robe yelped.

“Wait wait no, don’t—Taako you’re gonna hurt your—” He cursed and there was the sound of a struggle while Lup dove straight through the wall.

Well, fuck. Magnus wasn’t magic. He glanced at Merle, who shrugged. Not magic enough to go through walls.

“Lup!” Taako said.

“Hey, babe. Barry giving you a hard time?” Lup asked, and then, quieter, something else. The other Red Robe muttered something indistinguishable back to her and poked his head through the wall.

“Hey, uh, Magnus, Merle. The tunnel seems to be pretty winding and I’m not sure how much longer it would take to get to you the long way ‘round—I found a map, but, you know, no hands. But, uh, that light spell was getting through somehow, so there might be some—cracks? Maybe? Merle, do you know stone-shape, uh, yet?” he asked. He looked much better than usual. Less spooky.

“You’re less spooky than usual!” Magnus greeted him.

“Magnus!” Taako said. “…Merle?”

“Yeah, I’m here, too. Heard you’re not doin’ so hot, though,” Merle called, already feeling around the stone. “Got a bump on your head? How’s that been?”

The Red Robe floated the rest of the way through the rock.

“He still can’t talk. He won’t let me stop, either. I think Lup wandering off spooked him. He hasn’t—” He was cut off by Lup’s urgent voice.

“Babe? I’m gonna need you to come back to this side,” she called. The Red Robe cursed and disappeared.

“Why? What’s going on?” Magnus started looking for loose stones to break off. He couldn’t see through the wall at any point, but it seemed to be made of stacks of boulders, maybe from a previous cave-in? They were half-fused together, but Magnus was pretty sure Railsplitter could make a dent if he didn’t mind dulling the blade. Did rockfalls count as trees?

“Nothing, nothing, we don’t have that good, good object permanence over here, is all,” Lup said, strained. There was no sound from Taako, but the other Red Robe was murmuring something, barely audible.

“How thick is the wall? We don’t have, like, pickaxes, do we? Cluster bombs?” Magnus hadn’t seen any yet. Cultists usually weren’t huge on mining.

“It’s—one sec, I think I can help you with that,” the Red Robe said, and then there was a bright blue light shining through a couple of different places on the wall. Magnus peered through the nearest one, but it didn’t seem to go straight through.

There was a clatter behind him, and he turned to find a softly-glowing pickaxe with an elaborately inscribed handle. It appeared to be made of bone.

“It’s not super thick, but it’s not gonna be easy to get through on brute force, even for you. Merle, how’s that stone shape coming?” the Red Robe called.

“I’m shapin’, I’m shapin’! It only does on rock at a time, there’s too many of the little guys. How much should I save for healing?” Merle groused. One of the holes did seem to be getting larger.

“Fuck, that’s a good point. Babe, do we have stone shape? I don’t wanna blast it with Magnus and Merle on the other end,” Lup said. “Taako, babe, you gotta stay awake, okay? Taako? Taaquito. Taako!”

There was an irritated grumble.

“Fuck you, too. You’ll get a nap in once we get that bump looked at, okay? You gotta stay awake,” Lup said.

The other Red Robe said, “Unless you have stone shape, I think we’re outta luck. I always figured Taako could cast it, if we needed it.”

“Fuck,” Lup said.

“I’m gonna start hacking at it, okay? Cover your ears,” Magnus called, hefting his new magic pickaxe. He hoped he’d get to keep it.

“Wait wait wait wait!” The Red Robe appeared before he could swing, and Taako or Lup made an alarmed noise, quickly shushed by the other.

“Wait?” Magnus asked.

“Wait, just—here’s a spell I do know. Silence.” The Red Robe waved his hand and a dimly glowing sphere appeared around the hole. The quiet sounds from the other end cut off. “Loud noises, head injury. Figure we should cover our bases.”

Magnus raised his eyebrows, impressed. He wasn’t sure he would have thought of that.

“Tell me how he’s looking. Is it still bleeding or has that clotted by now?” Merle called through the next hole down. Magnus got to work with the pickaxe—the sooner he got through, the better it would be for everyone.

“He won’t let me near his head. I think he’s mad that I possessed him,” Lup said.

“You possessed him? That’s kinda…” Merle started, but Lup cut him off.

“Nope! No no no nope, it’s not a gross thing, don’t make it a gross thing, nope, nuh-uh, he is kssssh, that’s, nope, no, not this time, old man,” she said. And then, for good measure, “No.”

“I think it’s clotted,” the other Red Robe called, having disappeared to the other end. “I—Taako, stop struggling, you’re gonna—aw, fuck.”

“Did he reopen it?” Merle asked.

“Nah, he dispelled my mage hand. They can only take ten pounds of pressure. Now he’s crying.”

Magnus frowned. That didn’t sound very much like Taako. Hopefully it was just a concussion and they’d all laugh at it later. Or, Magnus and Merle would laugh, and Taako would fume and insist that they were dead to him.

He hit the stone a bit harder. He’d hollowed out a little cave in it through which he could see another cavern, but he didn’t think he could fit more than a couple fingers through.

“Has ‘is balance evened out yet? He walking fine?” Merle asked. “Fingers and toes moving? Can he feel them?”

There was a pause.

“Well, he definitely felt that one,” Lup said. “Get back here, it’s for your own good!”

Magnus winced. Liches were not his first choice of medical attendants.

“No, don’t take out any more blood than he’s lost already,” Merle said. “I can always do that later.”

“Um, I think he can feel and move all extremities. He punched a guy earlier,” the other Red Robe said. “Taako, will you come back out of there? He’s got himself in this crevice, I didn’t think he could even fit—”

He was cut off by another voice, crackling over a stone of Farspeech.

“—ko? I was—date wrong? Wh—onight?” The voice sounded vaguely familiar, but not like Avi’s, and he was the only one expecting them. Certainly not like Angus.

“Fuck. Like this day wasn’t bad enough already,” Lup said.

“I mean, it wasn’t a total loss. I got you back,” said the other Red Robe.

“That’s beautiful, but we really don’t want that guy around. He is Example Number Eight or possibly more of ksssh terrible taste in men.” There was a scrabbling sound. “Just—give me that, Taako, I’m gonna smash—fuck!”

“—f it’s a bad ti—can ca—k? Can y—call ba—know you’re safe?”

There was the sound of a tussle, and Lup grumbled, “Taako I am trying not to hit your—would you just stay—”

And the stone continued, “—ad feeli—so I—lright? If I’m—can yell at me.”

The scuffle stopped and Taako made the huffing sound he liked to make when Magnus wouldn’t let him steal a bite of everything on his plate.

“I’m totally fine, babe, absolutely nothing to worry about in Taako town, do not come see me, I am totally cool, I will talk to you later, I am busy now,” said Lup. She was pitching her voice and sounded almost exactly like Taako, but something told Magnus it was Lup. Then, without the voice, “Don’t give me that. I’ll give you back your stone when you stop dating men who want to kill you.”

That seemed a little unfair. Magnus was, like eighty-nine percent sure Taako wouldn’t date someone who actively wanted to kill him. The remaining eleven percent was only for people who were very rich or very attractive. Or flattering. Or who Taako wanted something from. Or—

Magnus needed less self-destructive friends. Taako was supposed to be the one who kept himself alive.

“—darling? I—breaking up.”

“Good,” Lup said. “Fuck you anyway, you self-righteous jackass. He put me on a coat hanger for seven hours to go flirt with you! It was one fireball! It didn’t even hurt you!”

“—morrow, okay? I love you.” Said the stone.

“Fuck,” Lup said.

Magnus looked at Merle. Merle looked at Magnus.

“Does Taako have a secret boyfriend?” he hissed.

“Do we care if he has a secret boyfriend?” Merle asked.

“I—yes! Yes, we care about the secret boyfriend! We want to hear about important developments in our friends’ lives!” Magnus knocked free a particularly large chunk of stone, and the gap was big enough that he could probably stick his head through if he didn’t care about getting it back. He used the pickaxe to punch through some of the far edge.

“Maybe you do,” Merle said, sniffling loudly and fooling no one. “I don’t care about his secret boyfriend. I’m not hurt that he didn’t tell us. I’m just upset that my work proximity associate had date night on a Wednesday. It’s not classy!”

“You’ve never cared about class a day in your life,” said Lup. “I’ve seen your shitty fantasy Hawaiian shirts, old man!”

“Hey, you hate the secret boyfriend anyway! What do you have to say about it?” Merle protested.

“I mean, I don’t _hate_ him, I guess. As long as he doesn’t try to lich-be-gone me again,” Lup decided. “The suit’s sort of cool, if you’re into that goth shit. At least he’s pretty.”

Oh, no, an attractive man. The leading cause of Taako doing stupid shit. Well, second cause, after, you know, general personality. Still. Before the Bureau, Magnus had seen Taako take a job entirely because the guy he was bodyguarding was hot. They didn’t get paid and Taako spent the whole time in the dude’s room with him and Magnus had had to just stand outside wishing he was anywhere else. It was terrible.

Merle seemed to have similar concerns. “You said something about trying to kill him? Like, actively? Wait, this isn’t the poison guy, is it?”

“Poison guy?” Lup asked.

“Never mind. I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Magnus furrowed his brows. “Poison guy?” he asked, more quietly.

“You know, the—” Merle preformed a brief interpretive dance— “the poison guy.”

“Oh, right, the poison guy,” Magnus said, understanding completely.

“No, no, tell me more about the poison guy. I want to know everything,” Lup said. She cracked her knuckles—Magnus hoped very much that was her knuckles and not some poor fool’s bones—loudly. Actually, if that’s what her knuckles cracking sounded like, he wasn’t sure if he wanted her doing that, either.

“Nope! When you’re older. And not a lich. Hey, I think we could get you through now, Merle,” Magnus said. Actually, now that he was looking at it, the hole he’d made was about chest height, and Merle was…not.

“Oh, dunk! You made it! Stand back a sec,” Lup said, appearing in the hole’s line of sight with her hands wreathed in flame. Magnus scrambled away.

“Here goes!”

The other Red Robe appeared and put his hands over hers.

“Wait, wait wait wait, we don’t know about the structural integrity of the cave, we could—”

“—evocation specialist, I’ve got this, we study ballistics and shit—”

“—just saying we should wait a bit and—”

“Magnus,” Taako said, neatly diving through the hole and landing at Magnus’s feet, stone of Farspeech in hand. He sat cross-legged and looked up expectantly.

He looked…rough. Bloodied, definitely. His clothes were dusty and torn and his fingernail polish, which Magnus had previously thought could withstand a fantasy nuclear explosion, was chipped. His back seemed to have the worst of the scrapes, with gravel embedded in his shirt and hair. Magnus crouched to be even with him.

“You, uh. You doin’ okay there, buddy?” he asked. Taako smiled vacantly.

Magnus thought of how he’d looked before he fell. Right at Magnus, but so confused. Bewildered, maybe. Surprised.

“That’s okay. We’re gonna get you set,” he said. He looked at Merle over Taako’s shoulder and cocked his head.

“Hold ‘im still for a minute, I gotta get the rocks out. Would do more harm than good to heal the skin over ‘em,” Merle said, digging through his pack. Magnus considered Taako.

Taako did not, as a general rule, take kindly to being held still. Or touched, unless he was the one to decide it was touching time. And he was bitchy about medical treatment as a general rule. Possibly because he was a squishy wizard, but probably just because he was Taako.

This was not an easy problem to solve.

Taako gave Magnus a hug.

Fuck.

“Merle, he’s dying,” Magnus hissed, obligingly wrapping his arms around Taako’s shoulders, and then shifting when he hissed so as not to aggravate the gravel.

“He’s not dying, he’d be bitching about his makeup if he was. Taako wouldn’t die with smeared foundation,” Merle said, pulling a pair of fantasy tweezers and some gauze out of the kit.

“Merle, he’s hugging me,” Magnus hissed. “I was just sitting here and he hugged me.”

“So push ‘im off if you don’t like it, what am I, your marriage counselor? Hold him still,” Merle said. Magnus had the forethought to hug Taako’s elbows to his sides; he didn’t want to see what kind of elastic bullshit Taako could pull with his arms free.

Thankfully, Taako did not seem to object to the gravel being removed superficially, but with his chin over Taako’s shoulder Magnus could see the dried blood the grit was caked in. That would be a bitch to get out.

“Hold his head, this’ll be a lot easier if he knows what we’re doing,” Merle said, and Magnus tried to get a good grip without crushing his ears uncomfortably or sticking a finger in his eye. Taako huffed and grumbled at him for his efforts. He nodded at Merle.

“Ready.”

“You say that now,” Merle said, and picked off a couple bigger pebbles. “Get ready, he’s not gonna like this part.”

Magnus braced himself, and said to Taako, “This is to help you.”

Merle wet the gauze with his waterskin and wiped it gently over the matted blood, grit, and hair on the back of Taako’s head. Taako cried out, and the comforting background noise of the liches bickering ground to a sudden halt.

“Taako!” called Lup. “Taako! Where the fuck is he? If there’s another fucking cultist, I swear—”

“He came through,” Magnus called, struggling with an armful of loudly unhappy Taako. “We got ‘im!”

Both liches came through the wall immediately, and Lup floated to Taako, who reached for her as soon as she came into his line of sight and out of Magnus’s. He made a pitiful noise of confusion and hurt. Magnus gripped tighter.

“We’re trying to help you, Taako, just stay still a little longer, buddy,” he said. “Two minutes.”

The other Red Robe floated next to Merle.

“Is there anything I can help with? I’ve only got the one, you know, physical hand, but I uh, I ended up learning some healing a while back,” he offered. “It won’t take care of the bigger bits, but prestidigitation might work to clean his wounds?”

“Go for it,” Merle said. “He’ll kill me if I have to chop ‘is hair off.”

There was a red glow and a crackle of magic and Taako’s clothes and general person were no longer dusty. Magnus had always wondered how he kept them so neat on missions.

“I have a hair-straightening charm, too,” the Red Robe said. “It doesn’t tug on the hair and it should get the mats out.”

He waved his hand and Magnus was no longer holding a snarled mess. Taako’s hair neatly untangled, straightened, and began braiding itself into two out of the way fantasy French braids.

“Oh, you are good,” Merle said. “We should keep you around.”

The Red Robe gave the impression of a sheepish smile, somehow, without a face to speak of. “I had good teachers.”

“The best, babe,” Lup said from behind Magnus. “You think we let any old thug off the street touch our hair? Hell no.”

Taako huffed in what Magnus decided was agreement and not growing impatience with their tomfoolery. Merle leaned back from his inspection of the head wound.

“Looks clean enough to heal up. The rest isn’t too urgent, we’ll get it once we’ve got him coherent,” he said, pulling out his bible. He said a familiar incantation and brushed his hand gently over Taako’s hair. Magnus let go of his head.

Taako huffed and squirmed away to sit under the Red Robe.

“Uh, Taako? You doin’ better now?” Magnus asked, when nothing else seemed to be forthcoming.

Taako smiled blankly at him and reached towards Lup until she conjured a mage hand. He immediately pounced on it and kept his treasure close to chest.

“Merle, you uh, you healed him, right? That wasn’t my imagination?” Magnus whispered. Merle looked on, brow furrowed.

“Yeah, I…that should’ve fixed him. If he was hurt bad enough that it didn’t, I would’ve known after one heal. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with his head,” Merle said.

“Great,” Magnus said.

The other Red Robe drifted over and around Taako to peer closely at him. Taako peered back.

“He clearly still recognizes me,” he said. “He wouldn’t know me if he was back to normal. What’s wrong with him?”

“Hey, we know you,” Magnus said, but the Red Robe shook his…robe. Hood. Where his head should go.

“Not like that. He’s—look, watch this,” he said, and floated right through the wall.

The change in Taako was immediate. He reached out with a little cry and Magnus had to catch his hands as the scrabbled at the cavern wall. Taako struggled against him, staring at the wall and beginning to hyperventilate a little, glancing at Lup and then at the wall and then at Magnus and at the wall and the at Merle, imploringly, and the wall, struggling all the way, until the Red Robe floated back out.

Taako relaxed. He freed one hand from Magnus’s grasp and reached to the Red Robe, but he’d lost all his urgency. All the same, the Red Robe conjured a mage hand for him to grab on to.

“He freaks out when we leave, I think ‘cause he, you know, thinks we aren’t coming back. He kept bothering my robe when I stopped talking earlier. He gets who we are and—maybe not _why_ we’re here but _that_ we’re here, and that he wants us all in one spot. He wouldn’t sit down and rest until we came to find you,” the Red Robe said, allowing Taako to drag his hand around to compare with Magnus. “He was doing something with his sword earlier? He tried to give it to us, I think?”

Magnus frowned. This kind of mystery wasn’t really…his thing, so much. He wasn’t good at getting all the clues to line up to the right answer.

But.

Solving clues was the specialty of his very good friend and boy Angus McDonald.

“Let’s get outside,” he said. “I need reception. Ango’s good at this stuff.”

Merle seemed to understand immediately, and nodded, so Magnus hauled Taako to his feet. Taako hummed and started walking.

“Wait, no, wrong direction, nope, this one, this way,” Magnus herded Taako into a quick about-face.

“I don’t—the Bureau isn’t really…” the Red Robe hedged, following behind. “Are we sure that’s a good idea?”

“Lucretia isn’t heartless,” Magnus said. He didn’t know why he’d called the Director by her given name. “She’ll want us to get Taako fixed up first. She doesn’t want us to fight you, anyway, just to, you know, uh…flee on sight…”

Hmm. That was a bit of a pickle, wasn’t it. And so soon after they’d promised to really, actually run away next time.

“I mean, yeah, you really didn’t have a choice on that one, I think that was technically a hostage situation if we’re gonna look at it like that,” the Red Robe said, and Lup snorted.

“The day you take Taako hostage is the day Garfield retires,” she said.

“The day…? Never mind. I’m just, Taako clearly recognizes us as allies right now. I’m not sure it’s…entirely _safe,_ for him to…” he fretted nervously at his hands, and Taako turned around and stood inside him.

“I uh, thanks, Taako? I guess,” he said. “Please get out of me.”

He floated backwards and Taako laughed and stepped with him. He floated to the side and Taako followed.

“Oh, I get it!” Magnus said. “It’s like tag!”

He dashed to Lup and stood inside her. It was a little weird, but she laughed and dove to the side, and he gave chase.

“Hey, no fair, I’ve got these stubby little dwarf legs,” Merle protested, following behind.

The Red Robe took Lup’s hand and they both floated to the roof of the cavern, Lup pouting the whole way.

“Aw, babe, I was having fun,” she said, harmonizing perfectly with Magnus and Merle’s complaints and Taako’s irritated huff as his prey went out of reach.

“I’m just saying, we should figure out what to do from here. I know you trust the Bureau, but I don’t know if it’s the best place for Taako right now,” the Red Robe said.

Lup sobered immediately, so Magnus and Merle followed suit. Taako got bored of pouting at the ceiling and began reaching for the two liches.

“Lup,” he said, urgently. Lup floated down to him, and the other Red Robe followed.

Taako smiled, satisfied, and continued walking in the direction of the entrance. Magnus jogged to get ahead and took his hand in case he wandered off a cliff or something.

“So you’re saying Taako isn’t…safe at the Bureau? It’s, like, the safest place in the world as long as he doesn’t walk off the moon,” Magnus said. “Oh, shit, he’s gonna walk off the moon. Dogs are easier to train than Taako.”

“No, yeah, maybe he shouldn’t go up there,” the Red Robe said, sounding relieved. “Falling to your death is only fun the first time around.”

What a weird guy. There was something, though…something about how Taako wanted the Red Robes with them, something about how the guy kept saying Taako _recognized_ them, like he would have a reason to know them…something about that statue in Refuge with Magnus’s face, something about that Red Robe’s voice, and what had his name been again? He could have sworn someone had said it…

There was something…

“—gnus! Magnus? Magnus!”

Magnus came to an abrupt halt just shy of walking through Lup, suddenly aware of the five hands pushing him back. Well, four, Taako was really just tugging his own hand away from Magnus’s.

He was really holding on too tightly. His hand was strained. That had to hurt. He let go with some effort, and Taako hissed at him and hid behind the Red Robe.

The mage hands dispelled as soon as he stopped, but Merle kept a hand on his arm and a finger in his belt loop.

“You gonna stop walking off a cliff now?” he asked, and Magnus looked past Lup. Fuck. Sure enough, they were in the room of that stupid battle again, and he’d been set to walk himself and Taako right off the bridge.

“Fuck, sorry. I musta really spaced out. What were we doing, again? We were, uh, clearing out a cult…? No, we finished that, we were, we were, uh…” He thought for a moment, but it wasn’t coming to him. That was fine, that happened sometimes. He looked to Merle, since Taako was still rubbing his hand and glaring.

“We were going back outside to call the brat. Your idea. Red was futzing about it,” he said.

“Right! Let’s go outside, I need reception. Ango’s good at this stuff.” Satisfied, Magnus started walking again, giving the chasm below a wide berth.

“What was—you’re just gonna move on from that?” Lup asked.

“Move on from what?” Magnus glanced over his shoulder. Neither of the Red Robes had made any move to cross the bridge, and Taako stood behind them, squinting suspiciously at the gap.

“You just spaced for a good fifteen minutes, Maggie,” said Lup. “You almost walked off a cliff.”

Magnus glanced at Merle. “Did I?”

Merle shrugged. “I guess. It happens. All three of us, really. Taako spaced for like a week after he burned that wall in the cafeteria. Always did hate that décor.”

“He—he did? I was asleep, after, I—did it hurt him?” Lup asked. Her mage hand caught Taako’s real hand, and he frowned warily at it. Somehow, even though they had nothing in common, they looked alike.

“Hey, were you an elf, like, before you died? Is that insensitive?” Magnus glanced at Merle for help. “Was that insensitive?”

“Too late now,” Merle said. “You’re committed. You asked the question.”

“No, I—you seriously just lose time like this? All the time? You don’t think that’s strange?” Lup floated forward a bit and Taako stepped back.

“Hey, you were in the umbrella, you were there for it. Everyone spaces out sometimes,” Magnus said.

The Red Robe tugged on Lup’s robe. “They’re not gonna get it, Lup. They can’t answer you.”

Magnus shrugged and kept going. Lich stuff. The less he knew, the better.

**Author's Note:**

> Put it on my callout post, boys. Many thanks to Puraserafina for the title and inspiration! Seriously, check her shit out. It's linked in the 'inspired by' section.


End file.
